Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?

Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir

wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time

Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣

We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.

im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear

omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions

Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.

If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends

Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”

Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW

BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!

We just died…

AND WE LIKED IT!!!

Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.

Man, I wish they still made sticks.

*calls into work*

“yo boss i’m real sick”

“you don’t sound sick…”

“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”

“wow u do sound hella sick”

You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.

My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people

You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe

TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.

Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.

Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.

Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:

Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again

I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck

me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.

Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*

saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.

*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”

Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.

Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.

I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!