Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?
Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want
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*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
Catercrombie & Fish
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.