Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.

Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.

WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.

Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.

Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.

future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming

I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry

Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.

Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.

Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.

I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.

[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper

me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed

boss: ok how long?

me: just a normal bed

stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”

Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad

Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”

Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”

The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.

Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh

It’s not a real Sylvester Stallone movie unless there’s ten minutes of dialogue in the beginning, five minutes at the end, and less than three sentences throughout the rest of the film.

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT

DOG 911: He still holding it?

DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??

In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.

Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”

Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”

if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them

Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you

“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids

Let’s walk and talk.

You go that way.

The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.

Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that

While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.