Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.

Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.

Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.

All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.

Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.

“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”

It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past

with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”

im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus

hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?

Dear hiring manager,

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.

MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.

Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known

I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere

*doorbell rings, I open door*

Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?

Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?

Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?

Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”

ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon

Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

Coworker: “How was your weekend?”

Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”

[first day as a chef]

assistant: why is your hat squeaking

[My first 4th of July in the States]

Me: so when do we fight the aliens?

Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.

Me: this is bullshit

Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.

Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.

What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.

Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.

Me: what makes you say that?

Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?

Wife: see what I me-

Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.

[Valentine’s Day]

me: *gets divorced*

[24 hours earlier]

me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this

My daily affirmation