Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
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In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
goldfish mafia
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
What did the dad reply to the mom who said “I’ve had enough, I’m selling my kid on eBay”?
“Don’t be silly. You made him, so sell him on Etsy.”
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.