Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous

When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.

Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?

I tried the Japanese method of decluttering, where you hold an object in your hands for a minute and if it doesn’t bring you any joy you say goodbye.

So far I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the hoover, and a pile of ironing…

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher

So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…

Ugh, I hate when my coworkers try to message me during my online shopping hours.

[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?

Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.

Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious

I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”

A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”

[new coffee shop]

DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!

DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!

DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE

Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.

My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?

So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet

Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.

Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me

Her: which is?

Me: exactly

How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December

sorry I’m late, my dog was sleeping in the shape of a donut and I had to take 175 photos

I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.

Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”

POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.

I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.

I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.

“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung