Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
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Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Terribly Tuesday.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa