Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.

The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim

I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.

It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.

i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”

A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.

[Thor Love and Thunder]

me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR

cinema guy: please stop doing this

If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.

I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”

Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?

If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.

Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.

I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.

The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.

Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made

[on the couch having tea]

Me: this is nice.

Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.

Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.

Cellmate: What are you in for?

Me: The free food and healthcare

If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey

I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em

ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.

COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.

I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.

But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.

Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.

*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*

Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!

Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life

20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day

I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.

If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.

when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…