Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
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A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh