Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at a wine tasting]

Me: *sips and swishes*

Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store

sigh

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you

…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.

Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM

[At the gym]

My body: WTF

Me: I know

Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?

Me: No, this is how it is from now on.

Body: *charley horse*

Me: Well played, bitch… well played

Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.

haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop

The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.

Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.

I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.

The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.

RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go

people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying

I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.

[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot

Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?

Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.

People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something

Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.

Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…

My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.

@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point

“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back

why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake

Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is “redacted”

KID: ████████

JUDGE: correct

My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.

(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.