Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.

Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.

my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her

*throws back out*

Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.

Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.

I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator

The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.

me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating

publisher: no

me: ok

ㅤ

RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved

35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good

Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then

Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.

dentist: lay on the chair please

me: ok

dentist: face up

My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.

* scratches *

Damn.

Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..

mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?

-my 7 year old making the best of her public education

I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers

90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.

The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.

[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: what does that mean?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: what did you say?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.

God: you have perfect hearing.

Dog:

God:

Dog:

God: you’re a good boy.

Dog: [tail wag] : )

ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.

WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.

oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review

*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*

It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.

Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.

Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen

My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”

I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.

FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?

[at the same time]

HER: Frankenstein.

ME: Frosty the Snowman.

I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.

How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?

technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things