Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

me: [pooping in a basket]

hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.

Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months

The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night

One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone

teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]

me: ok lol

[later]

me: hey what the f-

Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles

Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.

Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job

A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.

I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”

So I went in and applied for the job.

Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.

Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.

Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?

Pastor: no

Me: rain down frogs?

Pastor: what the?

Me: plague them with locusts?

Pastor: NO

Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.

Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*

Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th

Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.

*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer

me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight

My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.

Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.

American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.

British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.

[helping son with math]

Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow

I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.

Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today

My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.