BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
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Frog Fact: frogs have existed since time immemorial and therefore predate original sin, meaning they have no need to celebrate Easter as Christ’s death means nothing to them.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
My Internet was out for a while so I went downstairs to talk to my mom. She seems nice.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
My husband has a sore throat…send an ambulance
Me: *trying to sleep
Brain: He said you were pretty
Brain: but not beautiful
this has to be peak English
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.