[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
You Might Also Like
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”