@sixfootcandy

[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?

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@michael_raphone

BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan

@twinkdyke

Frog Fact: frogs have existed since time immemorial and therefore predate original sin, meaning they have no need to celebrate Easter as Christ’s death means nothing to them.

@SomthinBoutSara

Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.

Jedi you are not sir

@elle91

My Internet was out for a while so I went downstairs to talk to my mom. She seems nice.

@piddle_fart

“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”

It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.

@justmeundead

Me: *trying to sleep
Brain: He said you were pretty
Me: *smiles
Brain: but not beautiful

@craiguito

First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming

@slimmy_shady

Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.