Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made popcorn.

Teen smelled popcorn.

I no longer have popcorn.

you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun

*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS

Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.

Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭

Me: 😐☹️

Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭

It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall

Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.

I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files

trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month

Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”

Sign of the day..

I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.

Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.

him: I’m gonna kill you

me: oh no

him: with kindness

me: awww

him: kindness is my pet wolf

me: oh no again

ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building

Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*

Clients after you give them your rates

My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.

triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.

Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back

Life hack :

Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?

Natty or not?

[aircraft carrier]

*paints a T on the helipad*

Captain: No it has to have an H

Me: Why?

*train sounds approaching*

Captain: Oh dear god

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

Me: How much for the round lizard

Grocer: That’s a lime

*Looks left*

*Looks right*

*Crosses road*

*Gets run over by chicken*