Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
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Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
how high up are we talkin’?
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
reviewed some movies recently
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.