Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
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Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Artwork by Herta Burbe
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Good morning
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee