Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
You Might Also Like
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Stop
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.