Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
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who wants to go expliring
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
