Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
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I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Not even remotely sorry.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat