Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
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i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.