Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”
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fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
If you breakdance you buy dance.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
#StillHurts
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.