Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.

I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake

We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder

Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*

How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?

*stands on scale at doctor’s office*

*takes off coat*

*empties pockets*

*shaves eyebrows*

Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue

I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck

also my go-to takeaway order

MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?

ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther

MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away

ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.

My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.

Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.

Then we met.

Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis

Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”

Me: “Bet.”

All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.

You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino

I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane

Robocop’s guns malfunction.

Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.

Robocop loses his home.

Hobocop.

Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*

Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*

Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”

That’s no way to run a business, is it?

Presumably it’s a non-executive role.

HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?

ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.

(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.

Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re

S: Oh ffs!

I’d … I’d rather not.

Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺

Me two kids later: Oh.

That’s amazing can I get a bud light please

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you think that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.

Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”

Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great