Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]

‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave

Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions

Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication

When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”

God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL

Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.

I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

Send bail money.

This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.

“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.

11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

Skywritten letters:

SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR

Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.

how to have fun when you’re poor

The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles

INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé

ME: Thank you, I found it outside

My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent

He died doing what he loved: being alive

Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?

Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac

I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.

I said, “Ok, what do you want?”

She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”

I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest

I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.

We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”

“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”

There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.

When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.

Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter

My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out

Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*

Wife: So…what do you think?

Me: I asked for an iPhone

asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭