Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!

Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!

Parents: lol no we meant a real job.

Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.

my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.

I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.

My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.

Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.

If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.

At the park.

4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?

Me:

Me:

Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!

Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.

It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day

Opens the bottle of hot sauce

*At the local breakfast restaurant

Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?

Me: Reese’s

Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!

Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!

Cowboy: I uh

Spider-Man: Go on!

Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs

surgeon: this man has a broken leg

horse surgeon intern: oh no

surgeon: which we can easily fix

horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?

He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.

I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.

Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?

Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.

If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.

me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?

boss: yes of course but this is-

me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?

boss: -a funeral home.

The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.

That’s shocking!! Hold on.

*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*

Ok. Go on.

*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU

My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer

Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”

My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…

I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary

My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it

– me flirting

i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”