Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?

Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.

once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.

I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.

Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.

Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*

Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN

“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi

I’m not even remotely sorry

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I just need money.

I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.

Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.

Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents

You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.

For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.

butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.

I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…

ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best

Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.

I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.

Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed

I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head

Win some, lose some

I should’ve peed first

– my headstone