Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.

the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery

The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?

Husband: Let’s role play.

Me: Okay.

H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.

Me: I quit.

“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”

on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours

It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.

Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.

THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals

Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.

I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it

Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second

My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.

😂😂😂

I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.

Just say no

Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.

*Does something bad*

Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*

You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.

I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.

Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.

Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?

Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..

ME: I lied in my interview.

BOSS: what was the lie?

ME: all lies. except about my aunt.

BOSS: she wants to party with me?

ME: big time.

“I hate karaoke.”

“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”

“Now, I hate you too.”

Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.

*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.

Me: Flirting is fun

Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.

Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right

3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving

Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.

3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”

😬