Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist

[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.

Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right

Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you

How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?

3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*

Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*

3: THAT WAS MINE!

I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes

Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.

Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ

Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”

All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today

So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.

Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!

Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!

Communication during co-parenting is essential.

My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.

I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.

I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.

(first week into weight watchers)

You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.

– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies

stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”

My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.

“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead

LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged

[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*

Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?

Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.

last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”