Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”

– literally no one ever

Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor

Neighbor: *talking, shifts*

Me: *shifts, too, talking*

N: *moves, keeps talking*

M: *moves, too, keeps talking*

N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?

Me: Yes

N: *laughing*

Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.

Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy

When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.

So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?

went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”

I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤

~Conversations I have with my couch

Nobody:

Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”

Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.

Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.

Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?

I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.

everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓

[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”

Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.

[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”

Haha no, he went to Disney World.

You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building

Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*

Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.

God: at least you have a cool name.

Swordfish: so?

God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.

Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?

Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?

Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.

Reasons to not go camping No.154:

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…

“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds

I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.

vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes

went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces

niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.