Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse

This elevator skit is so incredibly simple

And I think that’s what makes it perfect.

My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.

I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal

Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase

Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product

*Decision made

I was thinking of being narsysistic.

But I can’t spell it.

So I’m going to be vein.

Have you tried locking him in your trunk?

When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.

in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened

Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail

The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.

Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.

They’re calling it the Apollo G.

doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips

me: [struggling] nope

doctor: try without the stilts

Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow

we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul

“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.

I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.

(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels

Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.

parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never

doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button

Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.

*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*

My Wife… The Bargain Hunter

Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls

[after sex]

guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time

me: sorry im afraid of the dark

ENTER PASSWORD.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

RESET PASSWORD.

NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.

sets fire to computer

[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha

disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project

boss: what about blood

disguised vampire: huh?

boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right

disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean

I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints