[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
You Might Also Like
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry