Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?

hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day

Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl

Doormats are a gateway rug.

You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.

Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”

So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕

Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes

Airport security: no liquids on the plane

Me: ok *starts drinking it*

Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo

Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes

In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s

I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.

That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.

last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex

I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves

OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind

I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.

*watching TV*

*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*

*turns on closed captions*

My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs

wife: what’d the doctor say?

me: she said i gotta quit drinking

wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?

me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan

[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please

In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store

My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.

I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.

What’s a Messi?

My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear