Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?

can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival

*in an interview*

Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.

Applicant: 5-7PM po.

Me:

Applicant: 8PM.

Me:

[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit

I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter

[at the bar]

Me: Let’s settle this like men

Him: *pulls out knife*

Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*

when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out

If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like

I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”

Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.

When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it

HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*

[first date]

Date: well I had a great time tonight.

Me: me too.

Date: give me a ring sometime.

Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-

Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day

love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard

Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:

The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects

Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”

me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?

I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.

People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.

me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk

terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet

me: what

terrorist: with sock

me: no

Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.

I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe

I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.

woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy

also me: lady i’m doing my best

A woman drives into a bar.

#FoundAtGrandmasHouse

Grandpa’s welcome sign

Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!

Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.

If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.

My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip