Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be

ME: I’ll have a dirty martini

BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*

A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?

Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.

I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.

If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.

What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go

Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM

.

Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.

you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”

My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:

yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes

The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.

To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.

my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*

me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT

and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this

– me on my own cooking show

Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake

Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.

“What state are we in now?”

-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip

[date]

him: I loved Captain Marvel.

me: Me too!

him: What was your favorite part?

me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling

Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie

*takes guests to the grocery store*

therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no

I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.

Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…

That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…

The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.

Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up

For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.

Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.

I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.

My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.

❤Missed connection❤

You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card

I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes