Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die

Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.

The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.

“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”

-my kids, fact checking me

I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.

It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…

yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away

My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop

I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out

If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.

I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.

I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles

microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist

My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.

Um, a what now?!

This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH

My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.

Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back

Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?

Me: It’s because…holy shit

Kid: You just ran that stop sign

Me: Shut up give me a second

I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.

Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.

PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-

ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.

PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.

ME: *gasps* How can you tell?

“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”

*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*

Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.

one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video

Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments

I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃

Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.

Wife: but she’s only 3.

Me: I need the extra time.

Wife: why?

Me: to catch and train the owl.

My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.

You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.

We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to