Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
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Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet