Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
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Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
*pronounces fake like saké*
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.