Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
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The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
I miss 2006 when everyone was young and dumb and easy to trick.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”