Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
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My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.