No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
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Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT