Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: have you had dinner yet?

Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.

Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.

Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.

J: But, I’m only 13!

S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!

J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*

– Shakespeare Pressure

I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.

The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.

Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.

BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”

Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”

Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry

[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that

Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.

My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.

A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.

Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?

*breaking up with BF

I’ll never forget you David.

‘My name is Jason’

Goodbye John.

My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.

“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!

– a parenting memoir

My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.

Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?

Me: just my cat

*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*

Mom: why are you using drugs???

There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now

The Universe: hold my beer

[God creating humans]

God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc

Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?

God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol

Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.

*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*

GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore

ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome

Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.

If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think

I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.

THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK