Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm

Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.

*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*

doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week

me: the what

doc: the cabbage

me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??

doc:

i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)

the doc howled with laughter lmaooo

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.

Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.

She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?

You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.

NETFLIX: Skip intro?

ME: Yes.

NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.

ME: Should…should I not skip it?

NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.

ME: Okay, skip intro.

NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.

doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?

me: does sex count?

doctor: yes

me: then no

Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor

Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other

Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous

I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.

people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”

*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola

There are 2 kinds of twitter.

Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits

going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early

ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…

ME: Is it rich parents?

ARTICLE: … Yeah.

The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job

“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.

You know where I’d like to go?
Missing

The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.

Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.

Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.

Guess we’re both living the dream

*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*

Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.

-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”

In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.

It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children

There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.