Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*![]()
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“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.