Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*

My dog: *blasts off from earth*

Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:

Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!

I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.

Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll

I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.

chat, i am full of concern

Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Me with beer, me without beer

Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.

Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.

As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call:

my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid

I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.

You’re so cultured I’mma start calling you Yogurt.

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?

Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”

When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!

All the slides were just pictures of me….

Good news

It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹

They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.

I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self

just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss

[at the gym]

Body builder: how much can you curl?

Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon

Mornin

[first day on wind farm]

me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!