Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am

Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are

Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson

FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.

BABY: {saying first word} Mama.

FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.

[Ferrari dealership]

ME: How much for this red one?

SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny

ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*

SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!

Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.

“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”

Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.

It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.

My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.

Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.

Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore

Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.

I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.

Wait.

Did we ever figure out what it means when you match with your therapist on Tinder?

Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.

Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.

Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?

Me: Never

Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.

Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.

When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer

I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.

*lying in bed*

*drops chip down cleavage*

*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it

*also, mmmmm, breakfast*

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF

[high school reunion]

me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes

I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.

Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.

A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.

I’m here all week😬

right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf

Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:

Other dads:

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…

devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up

Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.

Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎