Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn

“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing

[restaurant]

ME: Do you have updog?

WAITER: [sighs] No sir

M: Ok, is this gluten free?

W: No you have to pay for it

M: Damn you’re good

You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.

20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.

Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.

Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”

Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.

It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.

CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse

MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull

PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.

hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit

So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…

Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.

uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility

peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs

uncle ben (scared): ok.

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.

You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!

Who needs an Air Fryer?

15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!

I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup

would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole

Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]

I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.

“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.

LMFAOOOO

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.

what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom

Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.

Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.