A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
[dentist hands me a bag with a tootbrush and floss inside it]
uhmmmmm okay? now I feel weird I didn’t get you anything
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People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
God: you’re a unicorn.
Unicorn: lmao corn?
God: horn. unihorn. sorry I don’t know why I said corn.
Unicorn: omg God said I’m a unicorn!
Unicorn: hello i’m one corn the horse nice to meet you rotfl.
God: [whispers] cancelled.
why do people live in regular houses when there are steakhouses
I am dying
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
My diet has slowly gone from balanced and nutritious to Augustus Gloop on the first stop of Willy Wonka’s tour.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*inflates emergency mustache*
Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
WIFE: *pulls away from kissing* does he really have to be here
ME: yes i paid good money for this
NBA JAM ANNOUNCER: HES HEATING UP