@maybetomhanks

[dentist hands me a bag with a tootbrush and floss inside it]

uhmmmmm okay? now I feel weird I didn’t get you anything

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@EmberToAsh

I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”

@LizerReal

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?

@Holy_Mowgli

me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin

dermatologist: aloe

me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.

@BoomBoomBetty

Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.

@stephenjmolloy

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

@markleggett

A man who calls himself “Dog the Bounty Hunter” is currently hunting down a man named “War Machine”. We all live inside a comic book now.

@iwearaonesie

wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!

wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?

@TimB5150

I miss the days if you were angry while on the phone, you could slam it down without costing $400!