No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
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“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”