@maybetomhanks

[dentist hands me a bag with a tootbrush and floss inside it]

uhmmmmm okay? now I feel weird I didn’t get you anything

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@whereami18

A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.

@13Tink5

People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a unicorn.

Unicorn: lmao corn?

God: horn. unihorn. sorry I don’t know why I said corn.

Unicorn: omg God said I’m a unicorn!

God:

Unicorn: hello i’m one corn the horse nice to meet you rotfl.

God: [whispers] cancelled.

@nachosarah

why do people live in regular houses when there are steakhouses

@LoveNLunchmeat

People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.

And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”

@robfee

My diet has slowly gone from balanced and nutritious to Augustus Gloop on the first stop of Willy Wonka’s tour.

@withanewname

“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”

“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”

@Laser_Cat

*gets pulled over*

Do you know how fast you were going?

*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*

Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.

@hippieswordfish

[in bed]
WIFE: *pulls away from kissing* does he really have to be here
ME: yes i paid good money for this
NBA JAM ANNOUNCER: HES HEATING UP