Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks

Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks

‘The cat is up on your counters again.’

~The monster under my bed.

During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.

im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear

Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.

Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.

Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.

Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?

Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.

Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.

Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*

DC: Which room will you be working out in?

Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.

“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…

Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.

Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay

barista: room for cream?

me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator

People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel

HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.

LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.

[1st day as a dr]

macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band

nurse: ahh we dont have those

macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery

nurse: umm how about a scalpel?

macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work

[Zoo, bird show]

“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”

*bird headbutts window 50 times*

My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit

*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away

Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem

Me, flirting😏

Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch

I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.

My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.

My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter

Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*

Receives check*

Dang I just got a raise

At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.