Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.

Me: *eating turkey*

Cartographer: My work!

Five Secrets of Successful People:

1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets

I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.

me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings

You put the shhh in bullshhhit.

*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*

Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!

Me: Thanks, you too

Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel

We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.

[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?

“You do the math”

Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.

[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”

Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.

Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…

This is just a bottomless Pitt

Krampus.

Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.

My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”

I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off

And that’s when I realized it was a cop car

My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere

*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones

I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.

My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.

her: i’m leaving u

me: is it bc i fish for compliments

her: yes

me: or bc i’m the worst person ever

Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19

There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.

Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were