Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.

For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.

I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.

Except Fortnite.

Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.

her: i love croissants

me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too

Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?

Me: Getting into my sports bra.

nobody:
my fish before I fry it:

Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.

My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids

need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes

Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?

Me: can I go to the bathroom?

Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting

Me: so that’s a yes?

[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does

Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named

Me: *Nodding* Fight Club

You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both

My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband

[dinner at my parents’]

my gf: thank you for having me

me: they’re not your parents weirdo

When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying

dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor

Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!

Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?

Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.

Dorothy: …What else you got?

A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time

School district says no pajamas for online classes

What are you gonna do, send them home?

*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.

Person: It’s not rocket science.

Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.

I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.

“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”

-Cats

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.

7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”

Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”

Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”

*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*

3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”