Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
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Yes my dude
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Me too 😆