Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
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i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
weird email i got today
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
How actors in movies eat their food
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.