Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

o shit

Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!

Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.

You say tired, I say challenge.

-A toddler at bedtime.

[first date]

Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.

Me: spelling bee.

Date: oh nice! do you still got it?

Me: b-e-e.

Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first

In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf

Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage

Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”

Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”

Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”

[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.

TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?

*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.

Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.

Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not

What

We

Eat.

No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.

I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.

How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.

Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.

astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids

Husband: What’s the nightmare part?

We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?

Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend

I wish I were this cool 😂

*brings coconut cake to a knife fight

All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.