Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.

Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.

*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?

relationship goals

Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.

girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts

[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

“I’ll worry about it next time”

– me pissing off future me

Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft

[sees giant spider in house]

[tells girlfriend “I got this”]

[slowly rolls up magazine]

[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]

Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight

Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month

My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”

Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP

[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE

Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.

Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.

Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.

Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.

Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.

Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.

If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever

She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car

I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.

This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely

I’m Sold!

If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.

Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.

me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you

daughter: no I have my own banana

me: haha I know but its like a phone

daughter: how

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me

Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak

[Sporting goods store]

Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out