Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?

Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.

Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds

Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds

Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …

“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates

no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball

We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”

Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.

Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.

Me: [nods]

A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.

my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt

Friend: *checking bag* one bag

Airline: why is it so heavy

Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes

I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…

Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork

My son: No thanks

Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.

If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?

Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*

He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.

maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun

everyone has that one prude friend

Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.

Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?

Me: Is married a number?

That’s how I get the good meds…

Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.

FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same

If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.

I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”

wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better

me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.

WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[later]

THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay

Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.

9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.