dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
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ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats…
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
decorating my apartment
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything