dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
You Might Also Like
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
bought wrong eggs
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent