dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
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You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*