dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
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My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.