Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes

My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.

My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.

I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.

Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.

Him: ok now put a worm on the hook

Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?

God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.

I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.

me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints

jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you

My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.

It’s an epidemic…

Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: then can I give some feedback?

me: I told you no

Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey

Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real

My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.

Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.

Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.

Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same

My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.

Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.

I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.

I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.

Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.

Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.

Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.

Sub-Zero: You first.

Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.