Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-

me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”

“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays

[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]

11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep

God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.

Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder

Me: oh shit

Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together

CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.

ME: Oh no.

It’s so cute how my husband gently presses on my foot as if it’s a break that will stop me from talking

Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?

Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

Why is peter pan always flying?

He neverlands.

I like this joke because it never grows old.

I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.

Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.

KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed

Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1551598190696226816/pu/vid/960x720/tcdyppYCyqYwqBob.mp4?tag=12

I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.

Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog

PRO TIP:

Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you

One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.

Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.

Me: I’ll have the chicken

Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared

Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever

My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.

2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY

Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.