dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
You Might Also Like
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.