Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.

The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”

I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.

4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*

*puts on ballerina shoes*

*puts on ballerina tiara*

Me: Who are you supposed to be?

4: A ninja.

starting a garage orchestra

I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.

You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last

I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”

INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel

mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green

By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.

Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.

DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now

ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome

People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.

Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names

My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day

Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.

My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.

Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.

I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!

*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.

Now this is how you LinkedIn

holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy

Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?

Fireman: ….

{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?

Thaw me like one of your french fries

not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh

One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.