Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits

Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?

Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir

spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.

I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time

JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one

Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.

Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation

Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.

I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.

Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait

To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!

Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?

Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.

Torturer: just tell me what I need know

Me: NEVER

Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*

Me: OKAY I’ll talk

They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.

Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”

Can’t

I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.

Me: It’s cold out there today!

12: How cold?

Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright

12: *sighs*

“Sheer Arrogance”

Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks

I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.

~me, every time my alarm goes off

“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”

“HR? You don’t have a job.”

“Tell them that.”

My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.

me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism

wife: shut up and take the trash out

Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.

WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.