dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
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My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.