Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.

TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.

in the ocean

*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*

The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.

Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”

Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”

Service is way better.

My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now

My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!

[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?

Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place

[house hunting]

ME: I can see us settling down here

REALTOR: oh you have a family?

ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet

Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”

Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.

“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.

[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants

#BT140

based al yankovic

Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.

Mars has enough problems already.

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.

someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.

Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.

what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?

Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.

hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive

I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy

*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?

Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]

Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]

…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.

Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me