Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
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New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]