Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
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ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
my fav colour is also hitler
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs