Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: I was raised in a working-class family…
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her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school
15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.