Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: I was raised in a working-class family…
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It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Wife:
4 firefighters show up
Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple
Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?
Check mate
I’d use my best pan on you.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Deer are just ballerina dogs
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.