Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: I was raised in a working-class family…
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Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Sorry I made promises on Friday
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh