DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
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A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
These are my roll models.
oh u like geography? name every lake
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.