Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..

The princess and the pea

But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus

Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.

When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.

Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway

Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.

Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.

My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.

Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?

Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*

Me: yes.

You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.

Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.

[out in public]

Me: A kid is crying.

Wife: It’s not one of ours.

[we fist bump]

Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.

[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]

reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.

superman: yes, yes I did.

reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?

superman:

reporter:

if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions

ex: i wish you well

me: i hope you fall into one

my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect

Music Party with the wee ones

Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.

5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid

I work at Home Depot.

White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers

Me: Thank you for that information

Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?

Tamale guy: yes

Me: I’ll take three

Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?

Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.

My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?

*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one

I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.

broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”

woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”

I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.

And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”