Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
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At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”