Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael

Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks

guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening

THEM: Hey–

ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.

THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”

ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.

[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*

Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.

I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)

Wife: have you registered here before?

Matrix: idk, put my email in.

(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)

Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.

i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???

I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.

I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.

I’m hunting wabbits…

The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.

23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List

All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?

Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.

i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you

I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..

[first day as a bank teller]

robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money

me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?

robber: let’s start with yours

me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal

Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.

What a rip off.

There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.

[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”

How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?

Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what

Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty