Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.

Server: Tartar sauce?

Dentist: *eyes narrow*

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if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”


My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.



Him: Just ignore him.

Me: I’m trying!

Him: I was talking to the dog…


wife: i’m going into labor

husband: when

wife: now

husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these


Him: You seem super chill.

Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.


[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?


(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”


A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”

Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit


“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.


My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her