@neonwario
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
@KMoFlo_official
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
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@neonwario
@slimmy_shady
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
@djdarrellripley
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
@OllyiConic
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
@nayele18maybe
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
@david8hughes
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
@hardlyrelevant
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
@HLFHM
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
@TheTweetOfGod
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
@HeyoShellz
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her